Mourning

Recently a dear friend died. And for the first time in my life, I am truly experiencing grief. Her death has left me with a most profound feeling of loss, one with which I am not sure how to deal. I cannot escape my grief, and indeed I do not want to- I need to express the sadness and loss which her death has brought me. Our society has always had strict codes, traditions, and rituals for dealing with death, grief, and loss- one word seems to encompass all of these traditions- from Suttee to sitting Shiva and saying Rosaries for the departed, we mourn.

However, grief and mourning are not synonymous. Grief is an emotion, strong and seductive- while mourning is the process by which we deal with our grief, an outward manifestation of our inner turmoil shaped by our societies and our social codes. The lessening of social codes has eroded much of the protocol for mourning. We still wear mostly black to funerals and we remember to bring food and flowers to those left- but the speed with which we are expected to resume normal life, behavior, and feeling is a reflection of the lightening speed at which our world now moves. However, as quickly as we are accustomed to moving and adjusting in our world- the ancient and universal grief does has not adapted to a 24 hour news cycle. As I grieve, I find myself turning to the older outward manifestations of grief- to mourning.

If we are not to express our grief externally, the danger of succumbing to despair is even greater. In choosing to mourn and for a period, wear black, I feel myself being pulled back from the edge of despair. Instead of manifesting my grief in a submission to despair- I am manifesting it outwardly. I feel as though I am constantly acknowledging my grief and loss, but that I am not allowing it to take over or handicap my life. It is a small choice which helps me to grieve, but to grieve without losing myself. Now every morning, I can get dressed and remember. Then I can continue about my day- never forgetting, but never allowing myself to be overtaken by my loss.